I thought a lot about whether I should post this or not. I always have been a private person but there are parts of me that can no longer be private if I expect to get better. I won’t go into it too much but I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Anxiety has just been a recent addition but I think it’s been a long time coming given the circumstances.
I’m living in an abusive household and before you tell me I should just leave, let me tell you that I’d love to. However I am currently unemployed and my anxiety and depression have made it hard for me to find a job. I’ve sent out applications, I’ve had a couple of interviews and every time I’m told I’m not what they’re looking for it gets a little harder to keep looking. My self-worth has suffered a little each time and I’ve gotten used to feeling tired so please, please don’t comment on this post or send me a message telling me it’s going to get better. I am sick of hearing that bullshit from people who don’t get it. I don’t want to hear that shit. If you haven’t suffered from any mental illnesses, if you’re completely typical in every way I don’t want to hear from you.
I have to deal with people like you all the fucking time and I am not in the mood to deal with it on a post like this.
So now that I’ve gotten most of that out of the way, I wrote this a little after I had a bit of a breakdown while writing a letter to a penpal. The letter will never be sent to them seeing as how I still stand by the idea of the letter that they deserve more than my self-depreciation. I had a nice long cry and somehow found myself reaching for a pen to write this down. I don’t know what it is. It could be a prose-poem, it could be simply prose. I’m not going to post this to my writing website so it goes here. Far from my regular readers on LJ but close enough that at the very least it isn’t completely private.