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there were words trapped inside me

I thought a lot about whether I should post this or not. I always have been a private person but there are parts of me that can no longer be private if I expect to get better. I won’t go into it too much but I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Anxiety has just been a recent addition but I think it’s been a long time coming given the circumstances.

I’m living in an abusive household and before you tell me I should just leave, let me tell you that I’d love to. However I am currently unemployed and my anxiety and depression have made it hard for me to find a job. I’ve sent out applications, I’ve had a couple of interviews and every time I’m told I’m not what they’re looking for it gets a little harder to keep looking. My self-worth has suffered a little each time and I’ve gotten used to feeling tired so please, please don’t comment on this post or send me a message telling me it’s going to get better. I am sick of hearing that bullshit from people who don’t get it. I don’t want to hear that shit. If you haven’t suffered from any mental illnesses, if you’re completely typical in every way I don’t want to hear from you.

I have to deal with people like you all the fucking time and I am not in the mood to deal with it on a post like this.

So now that I’ve gotten most of that out of the way, I wrote this a little after I had a bit of a breakdown while writing a letter to a penpal. The letter will never be sent to them seeing as how I still stand by the idea of the letter that they deserve more than my self-depreciation. I had a nice long cry and somehow found myself reaching for a pen to write this down. I don’t know what it is. It could be a prose-poem, it could be simply prose. I’m not going to post this to my writing website so it goes here. Far from my regular readers on LJ but close enough that at the very least it isn’t completely private.

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The deed is done

Finally! It only took me a little over two years to finish backing up all the entries. I want to use the excuse of classes and thesis again but I won’t. I had plenty of time to finish it after I graduated but I didn’t.

I am planning on making a new post soon and this time the post will occur at the same time as the one on LJ goes up! I want to make a point of posting here more often. It’s the only blog I feel comfortable leaving completely public besides my tumblr but that’s not going to be linked here any time soon. I’m sure savvy users of the Internet will be able to find it but I think if they do go digging for it, that’s fine. There’s nothing there I’m ashamed of.

Now, to update the theme of this blog!

Comic & Fanfic: Go Get a Roomie… Experimental Theology… a city of fools (020-022/100)

Originally posted at livejournal on 09 July 2014 @ 07:51 pm

I’ve decided to return to this meme I’ve forgotten about.

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Book: Boundaries (019/100)

Originally posted at livejournal on 14 April 2014 @ 05:22 pm

Oh damn. It’s been a month since my last post huh? Ugh. I meant to post like three weeks ago? Ugh idk when I uploaded this photo but whatever:


Anyway, in my publishing class we had to read this because the author was coming in for a Q&A. Now let me start by including a summary of the novel from Goodreads:

“In an age of reality TV, a husband and wife cling to Victorian notions of privacy, though doing so threatens the life of the wife. Their daughter Anna yearns for her mother’s unguarded affection, and eventually learns there is value in restraint. But Anna, a Caribbean American immigrant, finds that lesson harder to accept when, eager to assimilate in her new country, she discovers that a gap yawns between her and American-born citizens.”

You can only guess how well this went over in a class of mostly white upper middleclass students. Hint: A good portion of them didn't even read the novel.
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Fanfic: How I Survived… This Trailer Park… Social Networking… His Fate Will (015-018/100)

Originally posted at livejournal on 24 November 2013 @ 03:52 pm

All right then, I’d rather not think about RL rn. I’ve got research I’m procrastinating on as well as Christmas presents I should be working on. Also there is my thesis and ugh. Just nope. Do not want to think about any of it. Instead I’ve got recs! These are fics I’ve managed to read in the past month I cry at the small amount I’ve been able to read, damn thesis getting in the way and they’re all kind of amazing.

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